Happy Anniversary...!

February 4th 2011 was the date that I was initially diagnosed with cancer, and on 2nd February 2012, when I thought it was all over for me, I was told that I had a reoccurrence. I'm not going to lie, incredibly scary news.

When I found out the first time, it was all a mystery. I didn't know a lot about skin cancer, I didn't even know there were different types. I didn't know about treatment, I didn't know how the body worked, and I didn't know how cancer worked. A year down the line though, I have a lot of wonderful friends and acquaintances who have been an incredible support to me who all have experiences with melanoma. In knowing these people, I have learnt so much about this disease: mainly how incredibly cruel it can be. I know now that when advanced it is pretty hard to cure, and so many lives have been lost this way. I know that treatments are still a bit shaky. And I know that melanoma does whatever the hell it wants to do.

With all this in mind, I have been, quite frankly, terrified by what may lie ahead.

Although I know the protocol's now; I know how to fill out hospital forms, who to ring, what to take, where to go, I'm even on first name terms with most of the nurses now (!), it just means that I know what will happen next. My initial biopsy is done, next is a CT scan, and then after that...we wait.

It is a weird and horrible feeling knowing that you have no control past the next two weeks. Even though none of us can be 100% what will happen tomorrow, we can optimistically plan for the future, and ignore the fact that illness is lurking behind a corner somewhere. In two weeks I could either be delivered wonderful news or devastating news, which could potentially change my entire life. It's almost like getting ready to jump out of a plane but not entirely sure if your parachute is going to work or not. Or more commonly when you pay at a shop with your card and you don't know if it is going to be accepted (but on a slightly higher scale ;))

BUT, before this happens, I have 2 weeks (well, 10 days now...) of ignorant bliss. 10 days to have fun, do nice things, treat myself and people around me, and to continue to do whatever I want to!

In someways, I think I'm incredibly lucky to have this perspective on life. Even though it feels a bit like a ticking bomb, it also makes me realise how much control we have over what we do, and what we want to achieve. I'm not saying I should be climbing mountains and running marathons every day (I wouldn't recommend that to anyone ;)) but I'm saying do what you want to do. If that is stay in bed and watch films-do it! If that is go out for meals-do it! If that is go out and buy two adorable Guinea Pigs-do it!!

Life is too short not to :)

My gorgeous bundles of joy that have been cheering me up all weekend :D

And an actual Happy Anniversary to my incredible boyfriend, without whom I would not have got this far :) xxxxx

The Next Step... (More photo's...)

The time between me having my operation and getting the results seemed to go really fast, but be never-ending at the same time. I attended Uni for most of it, and tried to carry on as normal. My results were scheduled for 17th March and when we went to get them, I was far from optimistic. I just had a feeling it wouldn't be good news, and as much as everyone tried to change my mind, I was convinced. And I wasn't wrong. 

When we went in, they didn't beat around the bush, and told me they'd found cancer in the lymph they'd removed. This really scared me, as the tumour itself had been gone for a good two months before my lymph operation, meaning that the cancer had just been sitting there, doing what it fancied, for two whole months. Quite a long time in cancer terms. The next step was another operation, an auxiliary clearance, to remove all of the lymphs from under my left armpit. I'm still getting to grips with what a huge operation this is. This was booked in for the next Friday (again, very speedy NHS!) and we were left with another week of waiting. I took this time to go home, to see my Nan, see my friends, and to take part in a talent show-why not!! 

The next Friday followed the same formation as the Wednesday almost exactly a month before. Nil by mouth, up at the crack of dawn. But this time I was taken straight through to the operation, meaning I was seen just after 8.30, so I didn't have hours to contemplate my thirst!! Even though I had a heavy cold, they went ahead (worth remembering!) and off I was taken to another room, administered more drugs, and sent into a blissful sleep, after an emotional goodbye to Mom and Rich. 

I woke up several hours later on a ward, incredibly groggy, more so than before, and attached to more bits of equipment then I could register. After trying to stay awake (and failing) and a rather uncomfortable encounter with a commode, I went off to sleep, without realising what hurt or why, but only after my whole body had been enveloped in really strange pins and needles which I was told was because of the weird positions I'd been put in that day. Nice. 

The next day was a different story. I was very sore, and very sleepy still. My armpit smelt really bad. I kept saying like Lasagne, but not that good. When I went to look at what was there, I was shocked by the size of the wound, and the massive cave under my armpit that my lacking-lymphs had left. Because of the nature of the operation, and all the excess fluid that would be floating around, I was fitted with a drain, which I was attached to, 24 hours a day. They put it in a little bag for me to carry around, and I actually became fond of this little bag! Each day was almost exciting to wake up to find out how much fluid was in there, as when it had dropped enough, I was allowed to have it out!! Alas, that was a lot slower than I had hoped (obviously!) 

The week in hospital wasn't, in hindsight, toooo bad-although I was begging to be let go in the end! I spent the week sleeping (lots) watching lots of telly and generally recuperating! I got up each day, had a wash, changed pyjamas and put my lenses in and awaited for the daily visit from the doctors-I wanted to retain some sort of normality!! I also met some real characters on the ward: Molly, who's husband had run her over, Jean, the lovely lady who had had cancer 4 times, but was in because of a bad leg, a woman called S. White which was funny, and all of the lovely nurses who laughed at me every day for having Earl Grey tea! Because the lymphs drain liquid, without them there is all this excess liquid that the body has to get used to getting rid of itself, so after the operation, One of the biggest excitements of each day was having my drain measured to see how much was being drained each day! 

After a week, I was let home, after lots of lovely visits from all sorts of people, and daily visits from my mom and Richard. However, I still had my drain in. For the next week I had to go back to the hospital every day to get my drain checked. After another week it was finally removed and I was shocked by how long the tube was! There was at least a foot of tube in my armpit!!! Where, I'm not entirely sure... A further 2 weeks passed, and then I got the results that the rest of my lymphs were clear. This meant that life could continue :) 

Morning after surgery:

Minus steri-strips

The delightful drain...

Drain site!

Minus staples and drain: